Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A Fan's Guide to Defending Your Team's Players Against Haters

For much of Ndamukong Suh's professional career, he's had to deal with on and off-the-field distractions. But he's not the only one that has to deal with these issues. It can be hard on fans like you and I. It's difficult when a guy you've been programmed to like does stuff that may not seem so smart or nice. But don't you fret, fellow Lions fan. I'm here to help. I've put together a handy guide of what you should do if a player on your favorite team gets in trouble.

1) Blame the victim
This is an easy one. Whoever is the victim in a situation with Suh is likely to have some sort of flaw in his or her life. Maybe he's a poor. Maybe he has a bad job. Probably he's a Bears fan. But there's one thing that is certain: he's a loser who must be trying to get some national attention. Because we all want fame, right? Even if this kind of fame is millions of football fans tweeting you death threats. Fame is fame.

Lions fans are already really good at this. Last year, when Suh was accused of sideswiping a car, the daughter of the other motorist took to twitter. Several people mocked her "LOLs" and overall stupidity that in no way was confused with just being a teenage girl. The attention she received was large enough that her account is now private. Great job, guys! Now her anti-Lions propaganda will no longer be spread to the masses. Problem solved, and in no way was the actual problem deflected.

2) Blame the NFL
"Hey, what's the name of that commissioner of that sport I like? Yeah, Goodell, I hate that guy."

Everyone hates commissioners. Even that word, commissioner, makes me want to go to city hall and shake my fist for hours. Commissioners may be the one responsible for bringing my favorite sport to me in more and more convenient ways, and they may make sports more and more popular, but SCREW THEM. They enforce rules and stuff. That makes them The Man. And if there's one thing "V For Vendetta" taught me, it was to hate The Man. Any enforcement of any rule is infringing on my rights, man. DON'T TREAD ON ME.

For off-the-field incidents, you may have to get a little creative to use this excuse. But if Suh gets into any more on-the-field trouble (and, let's face it, he will) this is the ideal option. Don't bother waiting until a punishment is doled out, just take to the internet and start some mob-lynching!

Here's some great examples of some vigilante heroes:
Good point! I'm sure Goodell is out to get a guy who has brought millions of dollars in revenue to the NFL through jersey and ticket sales! Oh, and great, totally non-offensive twitter handle! I bet you're a great judge of character!
This is a particularly great tweet, because it not only calls Goodell a pansy, but it also reminds us all that football is about smash-mouth hits. And if we aren't allowing players to dive at other players' knees, the only other option is to hug it out for 60 minutes.

3) Blame the media
This is a particularly ingenious defense: completely ignore the actual events, just yell at the media for reporting them! I mean it's not like that's their job!

"Why, what did the media do?" Uh, they found facts about a person who happens to be on your favorite team and reported them. THAT'S WHAT. Clearly they have something against your team, and must be digging and digging just to bury your favorite player under their dumb facts and real-life events. Everyone knows that when you discover news, you're supposed to ignore it, unless it is happy and positive. That's journalism 101, folks. Maybe some of you "media members" need a refresher's course.

Here are some TRUE Lions fans taking some "writers" back to school:
Yeah, Dave Birkett, Detroit Lions beat writer. Why run a story about a player on the team you cover? You just HAVE to be another guy to jump on the pile. Do your job and stick to the Lions.

Yeah, Dave. Why publish this story right after the $100k fine? Is it because the police cleared Suh just a few weeks ago? Pfffttt, yeah right. Is it because this was happening right in the middle of the preseason, one of the busiest times for Lions writers? Get real.

This was released now because Dave Birkett hates the Lions -- the team that he writes for to get a paycheck -- and has a personal vendetta against Suh. In fact, I bet Dave has never reported anything positive about Suh, ever. Enjoy the page hits, hater.

This is only meant to be a starter's guide. As time goes on, and other players like Suh emerge, you'll start finding advanced ways to defend your hero. Maybe compare someone you disagree with to Hitler, that's always a good option. Remember, just keep looking for that excuse, because it's out there, just waiting for you. And whatever you do, never admit that Suh, or any other teammate, may have made an error in judgement, even if it's just a small one. Because if you think anything Suh has done in his career was even remotely in the wrong, you're just a dumb hater. I bet you're racist, too.

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