Pizza, We Need to Talk...

Hey Pizza, would you come over here for a minute? We need to talk.

Look, we've had some great times together...

ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?????

Please, Pizza, just let me talk.

We've had some great times together: birthday parties, office parties, lonely nights alone with just you, me (naked) and a marathon of Yo Gabba Gabba on Netflix. You've put up with my rants on how only savages eat pizza cut into squares. I've consoled you when you've felt self-conscious about looks (No, baby, Digiorno is nothing like delivery. I promise.).

And our relationship has survived many hardships. I've put up with countless burns on the roof of my mouth. Even that time you caused me third degree burns, I lied to the cops and told them I fell onto a candle with my mouth open. You didn't even cry when I "accidentally" dropped you off a balcony and onto my ex-girlfriend. It was at that point, I knew we were in love.

At least that's what I thought. I've spent the last two hours talking to our friends, Breadsticks and Hot Wings. We've agreed: you have gone to far this time. You can hurt me all you want, but once you start going after my Detroit Lions, you've crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. I know you have a special relationship with Chicago, and I've really tried hard to come to terms with that, but that does not excuse your behavior last night. 

I want to stress that this is my decision and my decision alone. Please do not let this sour your relationship with Breadsticks and Hot Wings; you guys make such a great combo. And I swear, Two-Liter Pop has nothing to do with this. He and I broke off things ever since my last dentist visit.

But we cannot continue this relationship together. The pain you have caused me today will take 3-4 months to repair, depending on the orthopedic surgeon. Maybe we can still be friends, I don't know. The wound is too fresh for me to even think about.

I know we probably can't completely avoid each other in the near future. We may bump into one another at a friend's house. We'll awkwardly say "hi" to each-other with minimal eye contact. But I beg of you, when this happens, do not come on to me. It will be hard to resist your tantalizing pheromones, but please, just keep your lid closed. For me. For us.

Breaking Bad Death Power Rankings: "Granite State"

Just one more week left. One final act. Yet as the end of Breaking Bad is near, it seems like the chance of survival for most of our beloved characters is slimmer and slimmer. The finish line is within sight, but there's a machine gun and a bottle of ricin blocking the path. In my final Breaking Bad power rankings, I lay out my predictions:

Deceased:

1) Agent Gomez - It's been a week since you've been gone, Gomey. Still no sign of anyone knowing or caring. :(

2) Hank - It seems Hank has become a father posthumously. Walt Jr. may as well change his name to Hank Jr. with the verbal smackdown he delivered to his father over the phone.

3) Andrea - I should have know when Walt showed up on her doorsteps, trying to lure Jesse out of the shadows, that this show was not done with Andrea and Brock. This may have been the biggest gut-punch the show has delivered yet.

Still Kicking:

4) Walter - Chance of death - 99% (+5%, -1 spot in rank)
Walt clearly doesn't have a lot of time left, and his legacy is already all but dead. It amazed me how deluded he was for the majority of this episode. He still figured there was a way to salvage his family, when it was clear (even by Saul) that that ship had sailed. Once Walt finally got the memo, it appeared he was ready to face the music. But all it took was a little White lie to Charlie Rose, tarnishing his name, and now Heisenberg is reborn. The question is how long will this newly reinvigorated Heisenberg last before he becomes just the corpse of Walter White.

5) Jesse - Chance of death - 90% (+10%, -1 spot)
Last week, I alluded to the possibility of a scenario in which Walt comes back to save the day from the Nazis. It appears we've taken a step closer to this potential outcome. It is clear Walt wants the Nazis dead, and they are almost certainly the intended target of that big-ass gun in his trunk.  But, again, I just don't see that "happy" ending happening. Jesse only has one thing left in this world he cares about: Brock. And now he is just an abandoned orphan that Jesse will likely never see again. Even if Jesse somehow survives the last episode, he will have nothing and nobody to live for. He is as good as dead.

6) Todd and his 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution of Nazis - Chance of death - 75% (+45%, -1 spot)
You may have noticed that all of the deaths in this final few episodes have been at the hands of the Nazis, who seem to be in control of everything and everyone. However, they are proceeding with their business under the assumption that Walt is cool with them, when we know that Walt is very much not cool with them. I think best-case scenario for Walt is that he take out a few of the Nazi's before he's eventually taken out. It's hard to imagine a scenario in which the whole gang is taken out, but I suppose it could happen with a little of the Heisenberg/MacGuyver magic we've seen in the past.

7) Lydia - Chance of death - 50% (+30%, -1 spot)
Lydia will obviously have some sort of place in this finale, and her storyline is the most intriguing to me. Will she ever realize Todd's true love for her? Will Walt target her for enabling the Nazis? Will she get caught for distributing the blue-again meth, while under intense heat? I honestly have no idea where her character will go from here, but I am 100% curious.

8) The Gray Matter Family - Chance of death - 45% (not previously ranked)
In the midst of a PR disaster control, Elliot Schwartz (the co-founder of Gray Matter) let loose the lie that Walter White's only contribution to his company was the name. Walt, only having his legacy left to protect, will not that statement slide. I think it's safe to say that Walt's relationship with Elliot's wife is also somewhat strained, considering the last time the two met, it ended like this:

I put the Gray Matter Family as the most likely candidate for the vial of ricin.

Out of Harm's Way?

9) Skyler - Chance of death - 20% (+10%, -2 spots)
Skyler doesn't seem like she's under any potential physical harm, but it appears she could use a better lawyer or two. The law is coming down on her hard, and all she can do is stare into the void with a cigarette hanging loosely from her paralyzed lips. Still, there are a few ways I could see her meeting her demise: at the hands of the Nazis or by her own hands. It would leave Walt Jr. Flynn Hank Jr. in a terrible place, but he's not exactly at the breakfast buffet in Disneyland right now anyway.

10) Holly - Chance of death - 10% (+210%, +1 spot)
I'm officially worried, guys. Holly has been almost-abducted two weeks in a row now, and the outlook isn't good for her. The best case scenario for Holly is child protective services, but I don't think Skyler would let that happen. The more I think about it, the more I think a Skyler-Holly murder-suicide makes sense. But that couldn't possibly have that happen on a TV show, right? RIGHT?

11) Walt Jr. Flynn Hank Jr. - Chance of death - 5% (+2%, -1 spot)
Hank Jr. has officially become a man after telling off his dad. I don't know what's next for him, but I think the best place for him is with his Aunt Marie. Let them live a sad, depressing life together.

12) Marie - Chance of death - 2% (-5%, -4 spots)
I am a little disappointed that Marie has lost all the fight in her. I really thought she may be the one to send Walt to an early grave, but it appears the death of her husband has just taken all the life (and purple) out of her. The fantasies of her poisoning Walt still linger in the back of my head, but it seems like there are about 400 other more likely scenarios in which Walt meets his doom. We may have seen the last of Marie already.

13) Saul - Chance of death - 0% (-5%, -4 spots)
In happy news: Saul got away! Long live, The Bob, for he is pure light and energy and will lead us up Heaven's chimney!

Victory Mountains out of Molehills

A celebration worthy of a 2-1 record

Sunday, the Lions played their worst game of 2013 in Washington. They allowed the Redskins to total 120 rushing yards on 5.5 a carry. They could only muster 63 rushing yards at 2.7 a carry against a team that was giving up, on average, over 200 yards per game at 5.4 per rush. Their offense failed to score any points in the third quarter for the second straight week. And their special teams units were bad again, forcing the offense into tough situations.

This was a team they should have beat with ease, yet they need two fourth quarter breaks the seal the deal. Without the unforced Robert Griffin fumble or the "Calvin Johnson rule," I don't think the Lions win that game.

But they did win it.

They made plays when they needed to, and they got breaks when they usually were broken by them. The Lions' last true offensive drive was a thing of beauty. Up just three, the Lions of old, would have likely bled some clock, possibly tacked on a field goal, and would have watched the Redskins drive 80 yards for the game-winning score.

But Matthew Stafford, and a surprisingly aggressive coaching staff, led the Lions on a 9 play, 71 yard drive, draining 4:19 off the clock. The drive was astonishingly balanced, with six rushes and three passes. Though most of the yardage was gained on the three passes (60 yards, no incompletions), the running game bled clock and kept the defense honest.

However, the most important moment of this game occurred late in this drive. After a poor play call (and an even poorer spot by the refs), the Lions faced a 4th and inches situation.  The choice: kick a 30-yard field goal, go up by six, and let the defense hold the Redskins for the remaining five minutes, OR go for it, risking guaranteed points for a chance to go up two scores and bleed an additional minute or two off the clock.

Conventional wisdom always says, "Take the points." Force Washington to score a touchdown. The Lions defense, after all, had held up fairly well all game. But Jim Schwartz looked beyond conventionality and did a cost/benefit analysis. The risk of not making 4th and inches is much less than the reward of a potential touchdown. And not only did he make the right decision by going for it, they made the right, simple playcall of a QB sneak that I was begging for on third down. They got the first down. They aggressively went for the touchdown through the air two plays later, and they were rewarded with a win.

I want to stay away from cliches and avoid saying things like, "going for it there, and being aggressive is a 'winner's mentality.'" Too often aggressive play-calling is confused with a higher desire to win. Going for it on fourth down was the right call because it made sense mathematically, not because it was aggressive. I'm sure many of you were upset when the Lions decided to run the ball three times on their last possession, but it was the right call mathematically. It was done with the same winner's mentality that going for it on fourth down was. It was a risk/reward analysis that was calculated correctly. And it very well may have been the difference between a win and a loss.

In the NFL, almost every game is close, whether you play well or not. The key to victory is to take those little opportunities, and turn them into something bigger. So when RGIII stumble/slid and dropped the ball on the way to taking the lead, the Lions didn't just go three-and-out and give him another chance. They drove 65 yards and took the lead. And when the Lions finally got on the right side of the "Calvin Johnson rule," they didn't allow Griffin to complete the very next pass. They forced the Redskins to punt two plays later. And, most importantly, when given a chance to put the game away late, they threw conventionality to the side, and turned that 2-yard QB sneak into the game-winning touchdown.

---

Random thoughts:

Stafford is playing his best football right now. I plan on getting into this more later in the week, but he is showing poise in the pocket, his footwork looks better, he is reading the blitz and coverages at a veteran level and has somewhat improved his accuracy.

What a find Joique Bell was. His 9 yard pickup on the last scoring drive was huge, and just a brilliant display of his elusiveness. He also didn't drop the ball this week, which is nice.

I thought this was a pretty poor showing from the defense this week, despite only giving up 13 points. Linebackers and defensive ends were being victimized by cutbacks and play-action all game. They deserve credit for not giving up too many big plays and getting two turnovers. But the Redskins had seven drives of 30+ yards (the Lions only had five). That's not a good sign.

The Lions are 2-1, just one game behind the first-place, undefeated Chicago Bears. However, the three opponents the Lions have played are a collective 0-6 in games not against the Lions. Things may get bumpy next week against the Bears.

Detroit Lions Victory GIF Dump: Washington Version

The Lions were victorious on Sunday, which means it's time to celebrate in the best way possible: with GIFS.

As always, these GIFs do not belong to me. I do not have the technology to make GIFs, as they are a wizardry art I do not know the secrets to. My source of GIFs comes from SBNation, who is always on top of things. Check them out on twitter, and find all sorts of other fun GIFs at their "Lookit" section.

Things got off to a bad start on Sunday, when Stafford threw a pick six, and we were all like...

...we didn't know what hit us.

But after awhile, the Lions remembered they had secret weapon (and my future best friend/boy band-mate) Joseph Fauria. Then the party was on:

It can not be understated how solid of a celebration this is. Obviously, this is the "Bye Bye Bye" dance, made famous by 'NSync. But Fauria takes it to a new level. Most people would just stick with the easy bye-bye wave with the hops. But Fauria does the little criss-cross leg move that only true 'NSync fans could appreciate.

Then, after the final seconds rolled off the clock, and the Lions had finally won in Washington D.C. for the first time ever, Jim Schwartz decided to celebrate the occasion by planting his headset into the turf -- never to be touched again -- so that the Redskins would never forget this day.

BONUS GIF: From DieHardSports.com

Calvin Johnson is good.

Breaking Bad Death Power Rankings: "Ozymandias"

Well, there you have it. We have been impatiently looking over the edge for the past month, seeking the thrills that rush through our body as danger lingers inches away. But the wind finally pushed us over the edge this week, and Vince Gilligan sent us plummeting with the devastating 60 minutes that was "Ozymandias." As expected, we saw the end of Agent Gomez and Hank, and as I feared, it was absolutely brutal to witness. But the episode didn't stop there. The show pushed us further down as nearly everything in Walter White's world collapsed and we were left with nothing but the crater-like hole left from the fall.

That's what is amazing about this show. The pace is unbelievably fast. There were so many horrible, yet twistedly fantastic scenes last night: Walt laying, mouth agape, in the desert as he stares at the first real consequences of his actions: the stiff body of his brother in law. The absolute terror of the knife fight scene. The phone call. The fallout from the shootout could have lasted several episodes, but Breaking Bad shoved it all down our throat scene-after-scene. And I actually felt sick afterward. Twenty-four hours later, I can still feel the nausea lingering.

Deceased: 

1) Agent Gomez - Poor Gomey, we don't even get to see you meet your demise. We blinked an eye, and you and your majestic goatee were gone forever.

2) Hank - I hope there is an endless tap of Schraderbräu in heaven, and Shania Twain is giving you that tuggy you've always wanted.

Still Kicking:

3) Walter - Chance of death - 90% (no change)
Well, technically "Walt" is dead. Whoever left town in that red van was not the family man Walt had convinced himself that he was, and as the flash forward showed us, he's clearly not "Walt" when he turns 52 years old in a few months. He physically survived with nothing more than a hand-slash, but every other part of him is dead. He claims he still has business to take care of, but to what end? He has nothing but an $11 million barrell left to salvage.

4) Jesse - Chance of death - 80% (+5%, no change in rank)
After losing his game of hide-and-seek, Jessie became the meth equivalent of the "captured scientist forced to build a death machine against his will "movie trope.The good news is that he's in the care of Todd, the Nazi with half-a-heart of gold (the other half is...well...Nazi heart). The bad news is that we all know what happens after the scientist has fulfilled his duties. We've obviously not seen the last of Jesse, and I'm confident Walter's return has something to do with him, but Jesse's outlook looks increasingly dim

Out of Harm's Way?

5) Todd - Chance of death - 30% (-35%, no change in rank)
It was a flawless victory for Todd and his boys in the shootout. His nonchalant enslavement of Jesse was absolutely terrifying, yet strangely endearing.

Here's what I wish would happen. Walt comes back into town, having re-evaluated his life, and decides he can salvage a minor victory in the midst of all this failure by saving Jesse. He comes in, guns-ablazing, and frees Jesse from his dog house/meth lab. However, I have little hope in this outcome. While Jesse certainly deserves a happy ending, Walt does not deserve to be the hero.

6) Lydia - Chance of death - 20% (-10%, +1)
It's unclear how Lydia will fit in to the rest of the story, but I highly doubt we've seen the last of her. Her unstable personality and erratic behavior still make her a threat to be killed -- especially when her co-workers are a bunch of rich, murderous Nazis.

7) Skyler - Chance of death - 10% (-10%, +1)
Days don't get much worse than the one Skyler just had. First, she has to tearfully confess to her son that his father is a meth druglord and will likely be in prison for the rest of his life. Her son responds by calling her as bad as Walt, which is just about the worst thing you can say about anyone in the Breaking Bad universe. However, she finally stood against Walt when learning of Hank's death, and in the end, Walt finally cedes to her. He lets his family go, which is the best thing he's done for his family during the show's entire run.

8) Marie - Chance of death - 7% (-33%, -2)
I think I've finally given up on my theory that Marie will get herself into trouble. What's more likely is she'll fall into a depressive funk and trade in all of her purple clothes for black. Still, that conversation with her therapist about poison lingers ominously.

9) Saul - Chance of death 5% (no change in percentage, +1)
We may not ever see Saul again until his prequel spin-off (WHICH IS NOW CONFIRMED!!!). All of his ends are pretty much tied up, and we didn't even get to see Walt come to him for the Hoover MaxExtract Pressure Pro Model 60 special.

10) Walt Jr. FLYNN - Chance of death - 3% (-12%, -1)
One of the most devastating aspects of Sunday's episodes was watching Walt Jr.'s fantasy world crumble. Here he was, just trying to make every day an A-One Day, and all of a sudden his father is a criminal, his mother is an accomplice and his idolized uncle is dead. No amount of McGriddles will make him ever have an A-One Day again. But when Walt Jr. stepped in front of his mother and dialed the police, we saw him transform into FLYNN - MAN OF THE HOUSE. Goodbye: Walt Jr. Hello: Flynn, the man who loves...dinner?

11) Holly - Chance of death - -200% (-200%, no change in rank)
HOW DARE YOU EVEN PLAY WITH THIS IDEA LAST WEEK, VINCE GILLIGAN. NOT. OKAY.