Offseason Round-Up

We're less than two months away from opening kickoff for the 2012 NFL season. This means two things: 1) My football dreams are in full swing and 2) I can no longer avoid the offseason. It's been a tumultuous offseason, and as hard as I tried to bury my head in the sand, I couldn't escape the storm cloud hanging over Allen Park. So here it is: my one and only post addressing everything that "happened" this offseason.

The Draft Happened
I wrote briefly on how I suffered a momentary lapse of emotional control and actually got excited for the draft. But I never really explained my thoughts on the choices the Lions made. Many trashed the Lions for failing to address their most pressing needs. I disagree. The Lions drafted what they needed most: depth. Many of the Lions' shortcoming last year can be traced back to a lack of depth.

Considering they a lost the very-underrated Bobby Carpenter to free agency, the addition of Ronnel Lewis and Tahir Whitehead should give the Lions some much-needed depth at the linebacker position. The outlook for the 2012 season is a little shaky with the Lions' backups having almost zero experience (Ashlee Palmer and Doug Hogue being the most experienced with a combined seven total starts). However, the Lions were able to retain Stephen Tulloch, who was an absolute beast last year. Linebacker was a very overlooked need for the Lions, and they picked up three guys who will no doubt be a part of the Lions future and could even potentially offer some relief this season.

As for the secondary, the Lions addressed that need by grabbing Dwight "Bill" Bentley in the third round. Janoris Jenkins was the popular secondary fix among Lions fans when he was still available at the bottom of the first round, but the Lions, and may other teams, didn't believe in the hype and Jenkins fell out of the first round completely. He was eventually snatched up by the Rams early in the second day. Bentley isn't going to be the shutdown corner Lions fans were praying for, but he provides a good amount of speed and coverage skills that the Lions were lacking since the Bucs signed Eric Wright to THE WORST CONTRACT EVER (not an exaggeration? Kalimba Edwards, anyone?). The biggest knock on Bentley is his lack of physicality, which is a bit concerning. However, I'm not going to bury a guy I've never seen play live. Not a very sexy pick, but let's play the wait-and-see game for once.

In addition to Bentley, the Lions also added much needed depth with the selection of Chris Greenwood in the fifth. Greenwood is a division III player who probably won't see the field for awhile. The general consensus among scouts is his measureables are good, but his talent is raw. In other words, get ready for another developmental project a la Sammie Lee Hill.

That leaves us with the Lions' first two selections: tackle Riley Reiff and wide receiver Ryan Broyles. Reiff projects to be, at the very least, a starting right tackle. However, common belief is that Reiff will be nurtured as Jeff Backus' eventual replacement. The Broyles selection, as well, seems to be aimed at replacing an aging player (Nate Burleson). But Broyles could provide an immediate impact, as long as his recovery from an ACL injury continues to progress.

The Lions draft strategy is fairly clear: draft for the future, not necessarily the present. There's a very good chance that none of the players drafted this year make the field in week one. And while I understand this can be frustrating for fans who are expecting the Lions to make a jump into the elite category this year, this is the correct move by the Lions front office. When your team's wins can be counted on one hand, it's easy to add talent that can come in and immediately upgrade your roster. However, when your team starts making the postseason, the primary goal shifts from immediate improvement to maintaining success.

The NFL is funny. A team that barely squeezes into the playoffs can go on a tear all the way to a Super Bowl title. Meanwhile, a team that dominated the entire regular season can get bounced in their first playoff game. For a team to be a Super Bowl contender, they don't have to have the indisputably best roster. They need a couple key pieces (a franchise QB, for one) and enough surrounding pieces to make them competitive against the elite. The rest is up to fate, probability and luck. The Lions proved last year they can compete with nearly any team in the league and with a very similar roster for the 2012 season, there's no reason to think they can't do the same this year. But with some key players drawing near the end of their careers, the Lions staff needs to consider moves that will keep the Lions above the threshold of competitiveness for the future. And that's exactly what they did.

Undrafted Free Agency Happened.
The Lions signed some guys who weren't drafted, with Kellen Moore headlining the group. I will address these players as soon as they make the 53-man roster (which is likely never for 95% of them). Moving on.

OTAs and Minicamp Happened
Some players looked good. While others...also looked good. None of this constitutes as news and absolutely nothing should be inferred from the players' performances here.

Thuggery Happened
Light poles were smashed. Weed was purchased, smoked, and eaten. Cars were drunk-driven. Teammates were sucker-punched. But perhaps the most heinous (and overlooked) act was Ndamukong Suh's appearance on reality TVs latest atrocity: "The Choice." I have to imagine given Suh's past, a huge fine and long suspension is forthcoming. In most of these offseason incidents, no one was hurt, but Suh's reckless behavior caused the tens--maybe even hundred--of people watching to seek medical attention for deyearrhea (diarrhea of the eyes). Fellow Detroit Lions writer, Justin Rogers was one victim of Suh's senseless actions. Please send your warmest regards to him and his family. Let's hope for a speedy recovery.

To be super serial for a second or two, it has been a terribly disappointing and frustrating offseason. As a fan, it's awfully hard to come to terms that the same people I idolize for five months of the year also are prone to making terrible, self-destructing choices. But my anger starts and ends with only the individuals involved. As he usually does, Ty from Lions in Winter nailed the situation perfectly:

The Lions’ arrests are individual incidents. Mikel Leshoure, with friends in southwest Michigan. Nick Fairley, back home in Alabama. Aaron Berry, after participating in Lesean McCoy's charity softball game. There’s absolutely no connection between any of these player’s bad decisions—except who signs their paychecks.

There's no reason to condemn the locker room, the other players, or the coaches. I'm sure all parties have done all they possibly could to prevent these things from happening (especially after the third, fourth and fifth instances), but in the end, it is the individual who throws the punch, slams his foot on the accelerator or takes the hit from his pipe. It just so happens that these individuals all play for the Lions.

This is where all my anger and vitriol for the offseason stems from. People are so bat-shit crazy for the NFL that anything and everything is turned into something significant for the upcoming season. One offseason incident turns into a few, then suddenly there's a "culture problem." And if there's a culture problem in the locker room (despite the fact that the players haven't been in a locker room together in 2 months), that must mean the entire team will play with the same immaturity and poor decision making. Therefore, the Lions suck again. It's a simple case of A + 3 = orange.

Cliff Avril Signing Did Not Happen
Despite my efforts to simply will a deal done with my incessant optimism, the Lions and Avril failed to reach a long-term agreement. This is disappointing, no doubt, but not devastating. Avril has already said that he will not sit out the 2012 season. While it would be nice to have the security of having Avril around for years to come, I'm not so sure he's worth what he thinks he is. He is definitely the best DE on the roster, but he's yet to prove himself worthy of an elite contract. Getting $10.6 million this season is probably overpaying him. Jared Allen current contract has him averaging $12.2 million a year, while Dwight Freeney is getting $12 million a year. Avril's one-year franchise deal would put him at the 8th highest paid DE (based a yearly average of current contracts). Avril (0.53 sacks per game) would be earning more than Elvis Dumervil (0.7 sack/game), Will Smith (0.5 sacks/game) and Trent Cole (0.63 sacks per game).

The biggest advantage Avril has over those players is his youth. At 26, Avril's best days are still ahead of him. Still, Dumervil is only 28 and is averaging 11 sacks a year for his last four seasons.* Avril deserves to get paid, but not the likes of Dumervil...yet**. Ideally, Avril proves his worth again this season, and the Lions pay the man in the 2013 offseason.

I thought the Lions' offer of $30 million over three years was more than fair, but Avril did not agree. That's fine. That's his prerogative and I have no problem when an athlete tries to get all the money he believes he's worth. He's taking a healthy risk here, but I'll give him credit for truly believing his worth and his willingness to prove it again this year. He's also been unbelievably classy during this emotionally-challenging time. Class act.

My biggest concern about this entire situation is where it puts the Lions in 2013. According to Pride Of Detroit: Corey Williams, Aaron Berry, Louis Delmas, Justin Durant, Sammie Hill, Chris Houston, Lawrence Jackson, Willie Young, DeAndre Levy and Jacob Lacey are all set to become free agents at the end of the season. I have to imagine Delmas, Houston, and Jackson are of the highest priorities, while players like Williams and Lacey are probably headed for other teams in 2013. It's a tough situation on the horizon, but it's all the more reason why the Lions drafted for the future.

Training Camp Will Happen Soon
Training camp starts in about a week and I'll go ahead and tell you what you're going to hear:

• Reiff is pushing for Backus' and Cherilus' job (he won't have it by week one).
• Avril sits out a week of camp, fans pissed. Week later: Avril signs his tender, fans move onto something else to complain about.
• Mikel LeShoure is "running with a purpose."
• Lions look focused and determined to put offseason woes behind them.
• Stafford is still good.
• Calvin is still good.
• One run-of-the-mill training camp scuffle with make national news just because.

As a fan, there should be only one thing you are rooting for during training camp: no injuries. I will be in Israel during the first week in training camp, and while I'm not a religious person, I will not waste the opportunity of being at the world's epicenter of religion and pray to football Zeus that he spare our beloved Lions. 

*2010 excluded: Dumervil sat out entire year due to pectoral tear
**If you want to get technical, at 10.6 million, Avril's 2012 cap hit will actually be larger than Mario Williams' (9.8 million), which is kind of ridiculous.

Community: The Forever Incomplete Embryo

I'm a pretty big fan of television. Not in the way where I'm almost always watching TV (though my former roommates may say so). I'm more of a fan of TV in the way that I will find a couple shows and latch on to them with unending passion. My latest item of worship is the show Community. Last week it was announced that, despite poor rating, the show would be rewarded with a fourth season. However, that news was quickly soured when it was announced late Friday that show creator, Dan Harmon, would no longer run the show and would have little or no role in the show going forward.

To properly understand how destructive this move will be to Community you need to know more about Harmon. He is the Mike Martz of writing. He needs absolute control over everything, and if a story doesn't fit his exact specifications, it's not worth doing. This fantastic bio of Harmon gives us a peek into his mind, specifically his writing "embryos" that outline every single story-line he creates.

(WARNING: This is the part where I futilely try to sell you on Community)

No matter how small the story, it had to fit this mold. His wild obsession with the process created some fascinating television. Community gained notoriety for its themed episodes. The show has perfectly parodied westerns, zombie films, claymation, anime, Glee, Law and Order, and, most recently, 8-bit video games. And when I say they parodied these genres, I don't mean a simple one-scene homage. Community devoted entire episodes to honoring these styles. 

This, alone, isn't new for television. Some of South Park's best episodes were centered around genre parody (see: "Good Times With Weapons" or the very underrated "Lice Capades"). Family Guy and The Cleveland Show have done entire episodes recreating movies starring their own characters. But genre parody is easy for cartoons. 2D characters can easily be placed into alternate realities without breaking continuity of the show, because we see the entire cartoon environment as an alternate reality. Community, however, is telling a story with "real" people in a "real" environment. Harmon takes on the challenge of taking a very plausible situation (seven misfits in a community college) and placing them into an absurd reality (leading the school mafia of chicken-finger smugglers). It's an incredibly difficult endeavor for a live-action show, especially one airing on network television, but Harmon continually nails it. The show has become endlessly malleable...as long as it fits the embryo. 

But much like Martz, Harmon's genius doesn't come without some collateral damage. Most public among Harmon's difficulties was his "feud" with Chevy Chase. Harmon allegedly let loose a profanity-laden lambasting of Chase on set in front of his family. This resulted in Chase leaving an angry voicemail for Harmon, which Harmon carelessly played publicly during a comedy show. 

But Harmon's workplace troubles are obvious beyond personal feuds. Take this excerpt from the previously linked Wired article:

The others in the room barely look up; they’re used to these outbursts. Harmon swears he’s not difficult to work for, but being in a room with him for 15 hours a day certainly isn’t easy. He’s dismissive of some of the show’s directors, has meltdowns in the editing bay, and drinks during the day, a fact he attributes to his unusual hours. (Despite having been around Harmon while he’s drinking—and drinking with him—I’ve never seen him actually drunk.) Even Harmon’s biggest supporters acknowledge his mercurial tendencies. “It’s hard, because he’s really passionate,” Community writer Megan Ganz says. “He cares about his work in a way that he doesn’t necessarily care about other people.”

In his tumblr response to getting "fired", Harmon admits that he can't create the show he wants unless he can threaten to quit "roughly 8 times a day". It's hardly the ideal workplace for sensitive writer.

Yet, upon his departure from the show, coworkers have come out of the woodwork to support Harmon and trash NBC/Sony for the decision; calling Harmon "irreplaceable", a "genius" and "an honor to work alongside". Of course, no one is going to come out and piss on Harmon's grave, but the huge outpouring of support and the buzz around Harmon's firing clearly displayed how integral he was to the show and how much people loved him. And that makes Sony's decision all-the-more frustrating.

Losing a show I love is nothing new. I watched shows earn every critical acclaim possible, only to never garner the viewership they deserved (Arrested Development). I've seen shows I obsessed about, slowly dissolve into a horrible shell of what it used to be (The Office, It's Always Sunny...). I've seen great shows come back from cancellation only to severely disappoint (Family Guy and to a much lesser extent Futurama). I've seen brilliant shows cancelled before they reached their full potential (Andy Richter Controls The Universe) or just after a tormenting cliff-hanger (Freaks and Geeks). But no cancellation has been as agonizing as Harmon's departure

The path of Community very much follows Harmon's embryo. The first season takes on the first two pieces of the embryo, establishing each character's zone of comfort and the future desires. We learn Jeff Winger is a shamed, disbarred lawyer looking to regain his confidence and his lawyer license. Troy Barnes is a former high school athlete looking to take in the college experience. Abed Nadir is a pop-culture fiend looking to turn his strange talents into a directing career. Towards the end of the first season and into the second, the charcters are placed in unfamiliar territory and attempt to adapt to it. Jeff suddenly has feelings for people he previously considered "losers". Abed enters a community where his antisocial behavior isn't acceptable and must try to generate true feelings towards his friends. Annie finds herself with interesting, idealistic people and tries to find the benefits beyond book-smarts. Then came the third season, by far the most polarizing. This season was all about darkness and loss ("paying a heavy price" in Harmon's embryo). Pierce finally confronts his father (through Jeff) but loses him to a heart-attack. Troy finally gets to live with his best friend Abed, but tensions rise and their relationship gets permanently scarred. Jeff finally passes biology, but loses his summer. Shirley develops a serious future business plan, but loses out to Subway.

Which brings us to the final two pieces of Harmon's embryo: Returning to their familiar situation but having changed. This is why I was really pulling for a fourth, final season of Community, and why I was so excited when it was picked up (albeit for a shortened season). Harmon would be able to clean up shop, finish the story he wanted to tell and move on. But with Harmon out, there's no telling what his replacements (who haven't been involved with the show previously) will do. Harmon spent three dedicated years painting his masterpiece and now two strangers are left to interpret it. It's criminal to continue the show without Harmon; to take something that he created, nurtured and went through Hell to protect, and just hand it off to a couple of random guys to conduct Community's swan song.

But, again, I have to give Harmon credit. He did all he could to complete his embryo. The final scene of "Introduction to Finality" does it's best to fill in the missing pieces. Jeff struts confidently down the halls of Greendale having bested his former co-worker. He has gained enough self-esteem to finally seek out his missing father (whose absence had tormented him through the series). Abed gets to remain his quirky-self, but has become aware enough to admit he needs therapy and give up his "Dreamatorium" (sort of). Troy gets his friends back, but accepts his destiny of being an air-conditioning repair man. Shirley gets her sandwich shop, having learned to co-exist with not-so-subtly-racist Pierce. And perhaps the most important story-line: Starburns is alive again but sans pony-tail and top hat. 

Battleship. Doing its best to ruin everything sentimental in my life.

It makes for a very satisfying and impressive finale, but one can't help but be frustrated for the way in which Harmon left us. After building three-quarters of his embryo throughout three wonderful seasons, the last quarter is left for a 30 second montage. For that, NBC and Sony, you will never be forgiven. 

--

All 71 episodes of Community are available on Hulu Plus. Do yourself a favor and watch from the start.

*For all the silliness involved in Community, they often tackled very serious issues, and did so with impressive heart and sincerity.

Jay Cutler: Angry Dog-Walker

I'm not entirely sure where this photo came from. Someone named Greg Brown tweeted it, and Every Day Should Be Saturday's twitter account retweeted it. But, look at it. Keep looking at it. Every time you look at it, you will see something new. Let's break it down.

Middle finger. Common sense would tell you that Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler is likely greeting a pesky paparazzi with his middle digit. However, that explanation is both too logical and too mundane. Rather, I like to believe that some Lions fan just witnessed Cutler stumble on a crack in the sidewalk and asked if Cutler was going to be okay or if he needed to sit out the entire season because of his boo-boo. Or maybe a Packers fan asked him if he got a breed of dog that fits his toughness.

Dog Breed. Cutler's dog appears to be a Norwich Terrier, a dog bred to hunt small vermin (a bit ironic). They say dog owners tend to have dogs that match their personality. So what can we expect of this Norwich Terrier? Taken directly from wikipedia:

"They are eager to please but have definite minds of their own. They are sensitive to scolding."

 Sound familiar, Jay?

 

Continuing...

"If introduced to other household pets as a puppy they generally co-habit peacefully, though caution should be observed around rodent pets as they may be mistaken for prey."

In other words, look out, shrew-relative Josh McCown.

Sweatpants. Ohhhhhh, yes, the sweatpants. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself a nice pair of sweatpants, and I would even walk my theoretical dog around my theoretical nice neighborhood sporting a comfy pair of sweatpants. But Cutler's sweatpants are in stark contrast to his perfectly coiffed hair, crew-neck tee, and "fashionable" Bears-orange Nike shoes. Sweatpants are rightfully reserved for the sloppy-haired, pit-stained men of America (or the theoretical women who stay the night at my place). How dare you try and infringe on our culture, Mr. Cutler.

The Creeper. Looking a little closer, you may notice that Mr. Cutler is not alone. Sure there is wandering student in the background who appears to be looking for the nearest Jimmy John's. But there is also a bracelet-equipped lady (presumably), standing DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU, JAY! LOOK OUT! Is this lady hiding from the cameraman? Maybe. Is she secretly going to shank Mr. Cutler with whatever she is holding in her right hand which may be an ordinary phone (or purse/lady wallet?) but very well could be a "spy-phone" that morphs into a combat knife when activated by a code word like "viceroy" or something bad-ass like that? My God, I hope so. Either way, I must know more about the creepahhhh

Hidden object. I nearly passed over the final minutiae of this photograph even after my first 20 viewings. But if you look closely, Cutler is holding two objects in his left hand: the dog leash and an unidentified polka-dotted object. For your convenience, I zoomed in on the object using high-tech, police image enhancing equipment they call "paint".

I sent this picture over to my friends at the force, and they have their highest investigators working on a possible ID of the object, but I've yet to hear word. So I will give you my best theories:

1) A case for his crack pipe. I know for a fact that Cutler has luggage that directly matches this design, so it only makes sense that this, too, is meant for holding an object. I ask that Commissioner Goodell look into the matter and call for an immediate drug test of Cutler. We must save the sanctity of the league and protect scum like Cutler from our children. The sweatpants corroborate this theory.

2) Lipstick tube. This is for when Jay goes out at night as his alter ego: Jayme Cutleress. In this scenario, he frequenting attends drag bars prepping for his upcoming audition for Ru Paul's Drag Race (which may or may not be a guilty, guilty pleasure of mine). This theory would also explain the hair.

3) Sex toy. I mean, look at the shape...it's gotta be, right?

If you have any information, evidence, or theories pertaining to this photograph, please provide them below and I will do my best to pass it along to the authorities. Let's crack this thing wide open.

Panic In The D, Panic In The D

It's been a pretty excruciating month for Detroit sports fans. The Red Wings got bounced from the playoffs after managing to win only one postseason game. The Tigers got swept by the lowly Mariners, lost Delmon Young to alleged racism, then cut ties with long-time Tiger/sacrificial lamb Brandon Inge. The Pistons disappointing season came to a relieving end, though there is little reason to be optimistic things will change in the near future. And to top things off, THE LIONS TOOK A RECEIVER IN THE SECOND ROUND. THE WORLD IS ENDING! MILLEN IS REBORN! CALVIN JOHNSON IS CURSED!

This hasn't been our best month. But the pandemonium that the fans have displayed in the past weeks has been eye-rolling at best and apocalyptic at worst.

I'm not going to post specific tweets or link to certain message boards; the purpose of this post is not to instigate a witch hunt. If you're interested in the specifics of the uncontrollable chaos, it really shouldn't be that hard to find with rudimentary googling skills.

Instead, I am going to tackle these issues one-by-one in an attempt to set the Doomsday Clock back a couple hours from midnight.

Red Wings - I am starting with this one because it's the toughest to come to terms with. Hockey has always been my second love behind football, and for the past 15 years the Red Wings have been at the center of April in the D. But after playing in only five postseason games, fans are left unsatisfied and confused.

The team may not need to be blown up, but its more than obvious that the team is trending in the wrong direction. Nick Lidstrom may be done, and whatever free agent the Wings muster up, he will fail to fully fill the skates that Lidstrom has hung up.

I could try to sugar coat the situation by pointing to the Wings' 23-game home winning streak, but anyone who watched knows that the Wings looked anything but dominant during that stretch. In fact, during the three months of the streak, the Wings were a paltry 13-13 away from Joe Lewis Arena.

Uh, yeah, so...optimistic spin time. First and foremost, we're spoiled. It was nice to think that the Wings' dynasty would last forever, but it can't and won't. Though the Wings haven't reached the conference finals in three years, they've reached the playoffs in 21-straight seasons which is the longest active streak in any professional sport.

That streak is not likely to end any time soon, either. The Red Wings still have two cornerstones to the team: Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg. Both were struggling with injuries throughout the season and didn't quite look 100% during the postseason. And while the Wings failed to have a 30-goal scorer on the roster this season, second-tier players Valtteri Filppula and Jiri Hudler both saw a significant increase in their production. And it looks like they may have a budding star in Gustav Nyquist. Their roster is still a good two to three lines deep, and with a couple of solid defensive additions and perhaps a goal-scorer, the Wings could be right back in the hunt for the cup a year from now.

Tigers - Perhaps the most surprising development of "April in the D" was the mighty struggle of the Tigers. After an extremely promising start, the Tigers have dropped eight of their last ten and now sit at 11-11, tied with Chicago for second in the AL Central.

If I were to put a Homeland Security coded color to the Tigers' crisis, it would be beige. The season is approximately 12% done. The Tigers lost their #2 starter in his first start of the season and will be getting him back soon. Doug Fister's return will give the Tigers a much-needed boost on the mound.

Additionally, the Tigers have had a pretty brutal schedule to date. Their opponents have included the Red Sox, Yankees, Rays, White Sox, Royals, Rangers and Mariners. All of those teams (outside of the Royals, whom the Tigers swept) are either 0.5 game below .500 or better. Of course, come playoff time, the Tigers will need to start beating the better teams in the league, but that's still four months away and the team is still figuring out its chemistry.

As for the Young situation, it was a classic case of overreaction before the entire story was released. Young was clearly in the wrong for his actions, but in the end, they weren't all that severe. To put things in perspective, the off-field actions of Miguel Cabrera in the past few years (DUI, alleged domestic dispute, etc.) have been much more severe, yet every time he steps into the batters box, all seems to be forgotten. This is, of course, because WE LIKE WHEN MAN HIT BALL FAR. But when Young pushes a guy to the ground, says a hateful word and is labeled as a "hate criminal", we should crucify him, because he rarely hits dingers. It's all hypocritical and reactionary. Take a breath and see where we are in a month from now.

Pistons - Uh...hey, at least THIS isn't us. Remember 2004? When fros were to be feared? Ah...*strokes jewfro*...those were some great times. My best advice: become a football fan.

Lions - I've saved the most absurd for last.

Instant criticism of the draft is nothing new to Lions fans (or any football fan). In fact, that's pretty much what the draft is all about. But I guess I was a bit naive to think that Martin Mayhew and the rest of the front office had gained the benefit of the doubt by now. After Mayhew pulled this team out of the smoldering pit of doom in just three years, you'd think many would just sit back and let the miracle worker do his thing.

"Play...offs, Helen. Playyyofffffs."

But after the number that Millen did on Lions fans, there's a now-biological reaction to the Lions drafting a wide receiver that involves internal bleeding, vomiting, delusions of persecution, and, of course, foaming at the mouth. It happened with Titus Young last year and it happened ten-fold when the Lions took Ryan Broyles in the second round on Thursday.

When you sift through all the reactionary panic, this pick actually has some intrigue. Though the top three receiver spots on the depth chart are occupied, the fourth receiver is bound to see the field plenty throughout the season. I would be shocked if we didn't see some four-wide sets from Scott Linehan next year. Additionally, Broyles will get a ton of playing time once Calvin Johnson succumbs to the Madden Curse and suffers a terrible ACL tear (kidding). The Lions' identity is clearly a pass-first team, and giving Matthew Stafford more weapons is never a bad thing. Broyles offers a pair of reliable hands that should be around long after players like Nate Burleson have passed their prime.

Were there bigger needs? Sure. Were there players on the board who seemed like a safer bet according to media scouts? Definitely. I, admittedly, was a little disappointed upon hearing the center Peter Konz was still available at that point. But clearly he wasn't high on the Lions' board. Call it "blind faith", but I have full confidence in the Lions' ability to put together a draft board. Actually, don't call it "blind faith". My faith is based on three years of solid drafting and rebuilding a team from nothing. Mayhew has earned my trust more than any mock drafter or any television talking-hair...er head. As they say, "In Mayhew We Trust." And though the picks often seem strange, lest we forget: "Mayhew works in mysterious ways."

April comes to an end tonight. With it, let's put all the terror and fear in the rear-view mirror. Better times are ahead as long as we allow them to happen. At the very least, we won't have to listen to the crappy "April in the D" song anymore.*

*Does this song still actually exist? I don't get FSD here in California.

Confessions of an Offseason Hater

I've never enjoyed the offseason. I was bred a football fan through an endless amount of weekends spent in the halls of Pontiac. The thrill and unpredictability of the game-day experience was enthralling and addictive. As I grew older, my interest deepened. Suddenly it wasn't just a random assortment of physical beings that I was witnessing; it was a classic chess-match between two perfectly trained masses. My eyes no longer scattered randomly across the astroturf trying to catch up with the action. My highly-trained pupils narrowed the field and, at times, I was ahead of the action. This opened up an entirely new game I didn't even know existed. There were formations and routes and schemes and swim moves and chip blocks. The rabbit hole was endlessly deep.

But that endless curiosity always came to a screeching halt the day after the Lombardi trophy was hoisted. My interest never piqued upon scouring the internet for the latest Lions rumor. The offseason provided nothing to fuel my curiosity of the game of football. Sure it offered promise and theoretical championships for my Detroit Lions, but that's all it was: hypotheticals. My friends were always surprised when I failed to get hooked on offseason mania. The one year they finally convinced me to make a first round mock draft, I half-assed it, mostly plagiarizing the first few results on Google.

Little has changed. I still crave for more knowledge about the game, and I still hate the offseason.

My biggest problem with the offseason is that more doesn't happen than does. Every high-profile free agent is cherished by all 32 fan bases and 31 will be left disappointed. Teams are "in talks" about trading for a player until they aren't (and never really were). Even with this season's fairly "exciting" offseason, only two or three major transactions were made.

So when nothing is happening, people are forced to analyze why nothing is happening. The most annoying example of this is the coverage of contract disputes. Coming to an contractual agreement is a slow process that is mostly driven by deadlines. Yet year after year, players are antagonized for failing to quickly agree on a deal, despite the fact that there is little incentive to do so. Fan bases are quick to throw a player under the bus for being "selfish", but when the disputes end peacefully (like they do 95% of the time*) and the ball is finally kicked off in September, those fans' outrage will be long forgotten.

And that brings me to the draft. So much energy is wasted and e-ink spilled in the name of predicting something that no one will predict correctly. All you have to do is look back to last year to see that no one has a clue what the Lions will with the 23rd pick on Thursday. The Lions were 10 positions ahead last year, and I didn't see one mock draft that landed Nick Fairley in Detroit. Sure mock drafts can be a fun endeavor for those who like to think they have the talents that scouts have (SPOILER ALERT: you don't). And, yes, even I have fantasized about being GM for a day hoping that I could have what it takes (SPOILER ALERT: I don't). But does any of that come close to the thrill of an actual game? To me, it's an insulting comparison.

Yet the draft sits a mere day away, and I can't help but feel that twinge of excitement. It's the one point in the offseason where something is guaranteed to happen. All the mock drafts fade away into obscurity to make way for actual events! And I have to say, the NFL has done a magnificent job in making the draft as entertaining as it is. The slow walk to the podium, the Giants and Jets fans at Radio City acting as the immediate pulse of the nation, the elation of the newly-picked and the dejection of the passed-over all make for a television broadcast any film snob would be proud of (as long as Chris Berman is muted). And kudos to the NFL for getting together with NFLN and ESPN to make sure that the broadcast will not tip any of the teams' picks before they are announced, just so us fans can have a few extra seconds of pure, unfiltered anticipation. It is truly an exhilarating event that nearly contests the game-day experience.

Of course, once the new Lions are named, the fantasizing begins all over again. Where will he fit in? What if he's a bust? Can he clean up his off-field antics? How many wins does he give us? Were we 'winners' or 'losers'?**

Ugh. Well, at least we have the next three days.

* I made this number up. No, not the actual number. I'm pretty sure "95%" existed before this post. I mean I made up the stat, because it's not something you can really look up and I think you get my point...


**I can tell you already the answer to that last question is "neither". No games have been played yet. Without a game, there is no winners or losers. The draft is not a competition; each team comes in with different goals. Please frame your draft analysis in a different manner.