Thursday, May 3, 2012

Jay Cutler: Angry Dog-Walker

I'm not entirely sure where this photo came from. Someone named Greg Brown tweeted it, and Every Day Should Be Saturday's twitter account retweeted it. But, look at it. Keep looking at it. Every time you look at it, you will see something new. Let's break it down.

Middle finger. Common sense would tell you that Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler is likely greeting a pesky paparazzi with his middle digit. However, that explanation is both too logical and too mundane. Rather, I like to believe that some Lions fan just witnessed Cutler stumble on a crack in the sidewalk and asked if Cutler was going to be okay or if he needed to sit out the entire season because of his boo-boo. Or maybe a Packers fan asked him if he got a breed of dog that fits his toughness.

Dog Breed. Cutler's dog appears to be a Norwich Terrier, a dog bred to hunt small vermin (a bit ironic). They say dog owners tend to have dogs that match their personality. So what can we expect of this Norwich Terrier? Taken directly from wikipedia:
"They are eager to please but have definite minds of their own. They are sensitive to scolding."
 Sound familiar, Jay?
"If introduced to other household pets as a puppy they generally co-habit peacefully, though caution should be observed around rodent pets as they may be mistaken for prey."
In other words, look out, shrew-relative Josh McCown.

Sweatpants. Ohhhhhh, yes, the sweatpants. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy myself a nice pair of sweatpants, and I would even walk my theoretical dog around my theoretical nice neighborhood sporting a comfy pair of sweatpants. But Cutler's sweatpants are in stark contrast to his perfectly coiffed hair, crew-neck tee, and "fashionable" Bears-orange Nike shoes. Sweatpants are rightfully reserved for the sloppy-haired, pit-stained men of America (or the theoretical women who stay the night at my place). How dare you try and infringe on our culture, Mr. Cutler.

The Creeper. Looking a little closer, you may notice that Mr. Cutler is not alone. Sure there is wandering student in the background who appears to be looking for the nearest Jimmy John's. But there is also a bracelet-equipped lady (presumably), standing DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU, JAY! LOOK OUT! Is this lady hiding from the cameraman? Maybe. Is she secretly going to shank Mr. Cutler with whatever she is holding in her right hand which may be an ordinary phone (or purse/lady wallet?) but very well could be a "spy-phone" that morphs into a combat knife when activated by a code word like "viceroy" or something bad-ass like that? My God, I hope so. Either way, I must know more about the creepahhhh

Hidden object. I nearly passed over the final minutiae of this photograph even after my first 20 viewings. But if you look closely, Cutler is holding two objects in his left hand: the dog leash and an unidentified polka-dotted object. For your convenience, I zoomed in on the object using high-tech, police image enhancing equipment they call "paint".

I sent this picture over to my friends at the force, and they have their highest investigators working on a possible ID of the object, but I've yet to hear word. So I will give you my best theories:

1) A case for his crack pipe. I know for a fact that Cutler has luggage that directly matches this design, so it only makes sense that this, too, is meant for holding an object. I ask that Commissioner Goodell look into the matter and call for an immediate drug test of Cutler. We must save the sanctity of the league and protect scum like Cutler from our children. The sweatpants corroborate this theory.

2) Lipstick tube. This is for when Jay goes out at night as his alter ego: Jayme Cutleress. In this scenario, he frequenting attends drag bars prepping for his upcoming audition for Ru Paul's Drag Race (which may or may not be a guilty, guilty pleasure of mine). This theory would also explain the hair.

3) Sex toy. I mean, look at the's gotta be, right?

If you have any information, evidence, or theories pertaining to this photograph, please provide them below and I will do my best to pass it along to the authorities. Let's crack this thing wide open.


  1. The dog breed analysis is inspired.

    As for the hidden object, my initial guesses were sex toy (obviously), and then I thought maybe it was part of his leash. Like he had a custom made count dooku-style handle with pink polka dot embellishments added to his dog's leash.

  2. Thinking out of the box here, but I'm thinking the mystery object is some kind of girly, rhinestoney carrying case for a roll of quarters. Hear me out:

    1) If you look at the zoomed in picture, it appears to have a zipper on the left side. That could mean any number of things, but undoubtedly means he wants something to stay inside the object.

    2) Cutler has the look of a man who a) wouldn't have a washing machine or dryer in his house/apartment despite his immense wealth, and b) needs to do laundry because he looks like an unkempt drunk with a paunch who just woke up and hasn't done laundry in weeks.

    3) He is the kind of man, with the kind of girlfriend, who might spend money on that kind of outlandish, designer container that has almost no true purpose and shouldn't actually exist (instead of getting something practical, like a washing machine).

    Unlikely? Yes. But it strangely fits in my head.

  3. Man, what I hate is that he's shielding his pregnant wife...from the cameras while they are out walking a dog. Cutler shows real lack of leadership skills and bad body language blocking her 7 month pregnant body from the cameras.

    What a total dick.

    1. Hi Bears fan!

      Thanks for stopping by to defend Jay Cutler, albeit sarcastically, against an argument no one was making. You really showed us.

    2. Yeah, nobody was making the leadership/body language/ toughness argument...

      "Rather, I like to believe that some Lions fan just witnessed Cutler stumble on a crack in the sidewalk and asked if Cutler was going to be okay or if he needed to sit out the entire season because of his boo-boo. Or maybe a Packers fan asked him if he got a breed of dog that fits his toughness."

      In other news...

      Have fun watching the bears win tonight.

    3. While I appreciate your insistence, Zachary, you've once again missed the mark.

      The section you quoted fails to display any statement where I personally attack Cutler for his lack of toughness or leadership. The section you quoted is simply stating that when I see Angry Cutler, I imagine that SOMEONE ELSE just questioned his character. I say this, because it is a common perception that Cutler lacks character, but nowhere do I come close to suggesting that that perception matches my own. I don't even criticize Cutler for flipping said theoretical person off.

      I would not, nor will I ever, criticize a player for sitting out a game because of an injury. In fact, I think, in a lot of cases, it is selfish to go on the playing field when an injury is hindering your abilities. It is short-sighted, self-serving, and hurtful to the team.

      But of course, this article isn't about any of that. It is a light-hearted, innocent little piece posted in the middle of the offseason directed towards Lions fans as a piece of entertainment. No hard criticism. No harsh insults. Just a silly little jokey article.

      But if you want to get all butt-hurt about it, that's fine.

      Have fun scouring the internet looking for perceived personal injustices for the rest of your life.

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