Thursday, October 17, 2013

Joseph Fauria Dance Wishlist

It has recently come to my attention that Joseph Fauria is asking his fans and twitter followers for touchdown dance celebrations. If you didn't know already, Fauria has quickly become a national treasure for each of his five touchdown celebrations this season.

Like most non-terrible people, I am a big fan of all of this. In fact, last year I begged for Tony Scheffler to Gangnam Style dance all over the endzone. Unfortunately, Scheffler only scored one touchdown all of last season, and my campaign for a little Detroit Lions K-Pop went unfulfilled. This year, I will not let my wishes go ungranted. So Mr. Joseph Fauria, king of the touchdown two-tap, here is my list of dances I'd love to see:

1) Elaine's dance from "Seinfeld":


Degree of difficulty: 1/10
Entertainment level : 9/10

The Elaine dance offers the highest awesomeness-to-difficulty ratio of any dance ever. While the movements look awkward -- and lesser humans may not recognize it -- the "Seinfeld" die-hards will love you forever for its execution. All it takes is two thumbs, an awkward kick, and a head-whip. Easy, rewarding, and I know you'll get the attention of NFL Network's Rich Eisen, who is a huge Seinfeld fan.

2) Any "Arrested Development" chicken dance:

This would be especially perfect if you could pull one of these off against the Eagles or Ravens later in the season, but any time is a good time to reference "Arrested Development." Let's break it down further (thanks to the Dallas Observer Blog for the GIFs):

Gob, The Original:
Degree of difficulty: 4/10
Entertainment level: 7/10 (+2 bonus points if you grab your ankle)

The Gob chicken dance is a classic, and frankly I'm shocked it hasn't been used as a celebration to date. I've personally pulled this dance off before, and it's not quite as easy as it seems. It requires a certain stiffness, yet fluidity. I suggest you study the film by watching seasons 1-3 immediately.

Degree of difficulty: 2/10
Entertainment level: 4/10

Like Linday's character herself, I was never much of a fan of her rendition of the chicken dance. I wouldn't suggest picking this one. I feel like the hand over the helmet would look like some sort of weird, racist hand-signal. Still, it's a solid reference, and a bit of a deep pull.

Degree of difficulty: 1/10
Entertainment level: 5/10

This requires little leg movement, which would be a positive if you've got a bum ankle. But this won't look like much unless you're mic'd up. One issue with all of the "Arrested Development" dances is that they require some audio to pull off perfectly. Without vocals, the Lucille dance just looks like something DeSean Jackson may do.

George Sr.:
Degree of difficulty: 4/10
Entertainment level: 7/10

George Sr.'s dance gets a higher degree of difficulty because there is no real set form to it. I think that's what makes it awesome. The arm movements are seemingly random, yet make so much sense together. Plus, there's a leg kick in there somewhere. Where? I'm not sure. Why? Why the hell not. Erratic, yet beautiful.

3) Peanuts dances:

Degree of difficulty: 5/10
Entertainment level: 6/10 (10/10 if you do it on Thanksgiving)

This is another one that may be a little hard to recognize while wearing pads and a helmet. But look at that nasty footwork. But if you practice this one and get it down perfectly, the results could be amazing. A side-by-side GIF of you two would likely blow my mind. And look how popular a Real-Life Peanuts gag was earlier this week. However, if this is too difficult to pull off in a recognizable fashion, I'd recommend the girl instead:

Silly, recognizable, quick, and fun for the whole family.

4) Stephen Colbert's GREATEST DANCE EVER

Difficulty: 10/10
Entertainment: 10/10

Mr. Fauria. I don't mean to talk down to you, but you may want to just stay away from this one. Many have tried to emulate this dance. There have been no survivors. I'm sure you are up for pretty much any challenge, but no one would fault you for passing on this impossible feat. If you are feeling frisky, please study this film for a few months before pulling this out in the season finale.

But I must say, if you ever do pull this off, your fame will know no limits. Colbert would undoubtedly catch wind of it, and you'd probably find yourself in his studio a few days later. A Fauria/Colbert dance-off would break every awesome-meter in existence.

So those are your options, Mr. Fauria. Choose wisely, and never stop dancing.

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