Jim Schwartz was just a market boy when he wandered into the Nation of the Foot Ball. His head was full of numbers and dreams, but he had yet to find a place for such wonderful thoughts. As he took his first steps on the green pastures of this new land, he felt a strange sensation that told him this would be his new home.
While strolling the streets, Schwartz ran into a drunken, hooded creature. Schwartz immediately saw there was more to the man than what most peasants saw, and allowed himself to be taken up by the erratic, but wise, sensei. Belichick-san soon taught him, trained him, even left him scraps to eat. Schwartz slowly learned the way of The Hood. It quickly became apparent that he was learning at a much faster rate than his fellow pupils. This made Belichick-san angry and jealous. He immediately ended the mentorship between the two. But when the two split, Schwartz mournfully watched as his sensei turned to the dark side and dominated the land. By the time officials found out Belichick-san had illegally fenagled his way to the top, it was too late. His empire was too big to crumble. Youngster, Jim Schwartz knew his destiny. He would have to, one day, face his sensei, and brutally punish him, so that the Nation of the Foot Ball could be peaceful again.
Schwartz, determined to one day unseat his fellow sensei, spent the next few years (cue: montage) working his way up to become a sensei of his own. When he finally learned the secret martial arts form of The Lion, he was being touted as the hottest new master around.
Swelling with confidence and pride, Schwartz-san decided it was time he face his former master on the biggest stage of them all, "The Day of the Infinite Feasts" (I believe Americans call it "Thanksgiving"). At first, the two went toe-to-toe, punch-for-punch. Schwartz-san even seemed to be leading halfway through the epic battle. But, eventually, Schwartz-san's youth and naivete caught up with him, and Belichick-san landed a deadly, devastating blow.
The recovery process for Schwartz-san was long and hard. Bed-ridden for months, he slowly started to recuperate. Late in the year, he was back on his feet and was defying people with his persistence and workmanship. Schwartz-san even managed to defeat what most people considered the greatest up-and-coming warrior of all, Rodgers-san. Schwartz followed up that shocking victory with three more of his own and by the years' end, he was, once again, earning the respect of his peers.
But Schwartz-san knew it wasn't enough. In order to defeat a foe that had not only embarrassed its opponents, but had done so for years, he needed something more. Schwartz-san spent the offseason gathering new weapons and learning how to utilize them. He was ready for the long, arduous process of relearning his craft and building an empire that could challenge the mighty Belichick-san.
But then something happened. Belichick-san decided it was time to send a message to aspiring rulers of the land. Schwartz-san could only watch as the evil, hooded creature and his cronies destroyed and publicly embarrassed his two closest friends, The Jaguar and The Buc. As the two lay dying in his arms, Schwartz-san whispered to them, "I will defeat the hooded monster and restore honor to you and the land."
Schwartz-san could wait no longer. The nation had suffered enough devastation at the hands of Belichick-san and his golden-haired compatriot (see what I did there?). He called out his former sensei and challenged him to, once again, duel in front of the entire nation. Does Schwartz-san have what it takes to dethrone his former sensei? Has Schwartz-san hurried back to quickly to dispose of his former-master? Will he even have all of his weapons at his disposal? Am I getting too excited for a basically-meaningless preseason game? Find out this week on: "The Rise of the Lion!"