I just had the greatest movie experience ever, and I want to tell you about it

I constantly find myself stricken with jealousy over people with great stories. I never can wrap my head around the idea that these ridiculous things keep happening to the same people. I had assumed they were liars, or at the very least, gross exaggerators. But on the afternoon of Wednesday, March 20th 2013, I experienced what can only be described as the greatest movie-going experience I will ever attend.

Let me back up. I had a rare day off of work, and decided it was about time to see Django Unchained, a film I had been trying to avoid since it's release last December. My friends wouldn't stop talking about it, and I heard it won an Oscar, so it couldn't be that bad, right? Luckily for me, the movie was still hanging around low-end Los Angeles theaters. I have never had any qualms about low-end theaters; sound and picture quality has come such a long way that spending literally four times the price so that I can hear people talking very clearly doesn't seem like a worthwhile investment.

And so I headed to the Valley Plaza 6 in North Hollywood to catch the 11:30 AM showing of Django. Upon arrival at around 11:10, I was met with a distraught elderly woman outside the theater doors. As I drew closer, her frustrations came to light. The theater was yet to open and she needed her popcorn! It was company policy that the doors would not open until ten minutes before the first showing. The visibly-shaken ticket taker, clearly new at his job, was having a hard time properly conveying this piece of information to the woman. "BUT I NEED TIME TO GET MY POPCORN!" the woman pleaded, trying to convince the employee of the terrible strife he and his terrible company were putting her through. The ticket taker tried to muster a rebuttal through his nervous stutters, but popcorn lady had already won.

Noticing I had drawn closer, popcorn lady then shot me a look that I can only describe as the non-verbal equivalent of a heavyset construction worker from the Bronx screaming, "HEYYYYY, YOU BELIEVE THIS JAG-OFF?" Caught off guard, I mutely shrugged my shoulders and headed back to my car for 10 more minutes of the latest "Comedy Bang Bang" podcast. I can only assume the popcorn lady did the same.

After a brief time out, I headed inside for my three dollar ticket and dollar hot dog. Ticket in hand, I began my short trip to theater one. Outside the large double doors, I awaited aside the ticket taker's podium, patiently searching for the theater employee. After seeing a few patrons walk right by me, I quickly realized the podium's existence was purely aesthetic. "How clever!" I said aloud.

Chuckling to myself, I headed into the bowels of the theater. It was much larger than I expected and in surprisingly good shape. Having only a half a dozen fellow moviegoers in attendance (including popcorn lady, SHE MADE IT, GUYS! HAPPY ENDINGS DO HAPPEN!), I had my choice of seat. Opting to settle in the direct epicenter of the theater, I plopped down, ready for some coming attractions.

Younger readers may not be aware of this, but in a time not too long ago, movie theaters used to have a kind of slideshow feature before the previews. These stills would include movie trivia, fun facts, and advertisements. Since the days of yore, these slides have been replaced by full-length commercials and behind-the scenes looks at upcoming movies. But in this hidden theater in North Hollywood, the art of the pre-movie slideshow was alive and thriving.

But this slideshow was like none I have ever witnessed. Foregoing all of the pesky interaction of a trivia format, this theater decided that two features were good enough to entertain the early birds: "fun facts" and a single advertisement for concessions. Alone, those two would have made for a conventional pregame to the movie, but these were no ordinary "fun facts." No, these facts were the funnest of them all. Take, for example, this actual fact they were nice enough to provide the eight of us with:

"In the movie Bridesmaids, puppies were given as a gift to attendees at the bridal shower."

Now I know what you're thinking: "Isn't that fact just something that happened in the movie, and anyone who saw those movies would already know that? How is that fun?"

Well, clearly you don't understand the point of facts. We don't listen to facts to learn things. We listen to facts so that when hear one we already know, we get to turn to the other person and boast, "Oh, I already knew that." I mean, what's the point in having a brain full of facts when you can't proudly disclaim your pre-existing knowledge of those facts?

Which brings me to the couple behind me. I never found the courage to turn and actually identify them as human beings, but based on their voices, I feel safe in the claim that they were indeed Homo sapiens. One (presumed) woman was having so much fun with these facts that she decided it was her civic duty to narrate every single one of these knowledge nuggets to the illiterates of the audience. Her male counterpart would then provide deep, thoughtful evaluation of his new-found knowledge. The entire sequence unfolded like this:

[Image of a "fun fact" appears on screen]
Human Woman [reading]: In the movie Transformers, Bumblebee was a Camaro.
Human Man: That's a nice car.

[Image of a "fun fact" appears]
HW: "Skeeter" was the nickname of Emma Stone's character, Eugenia Phelan, in the movie The Help.
HM: That's weird.

I was fully expecting to spontaneously combust from all the fun that these facts were filling me with, but the facts thankfully gave way to "coming attractions." But a few seconds into the preview for the upcoming biopic on Jackie Robinson, 42, it became apparent that the sound was not working. My suspicions were confirmed when Human Woman announced to the theater, "THERE'S NO SOUND!"

Frequent moviegoers will be familiar with the moment after trailer ends when you turn to one of your peers and whisper something like, "That looks terrible" or "Can't. Wait." or "I think this Paul Rudd guy is going to be a star." But with the lack of sound, this intimate, private conversation was made public to all. And thank God for that. Because when the Jackie Robinson trailer came to an audio-less conclusion, Human Man uttered the greatest statement I have ever bore witness to:

"I have no interest in a Jackie Robinson movie. I already read all the ESPN articles."

The statement: ordinary. The rationale: grandiose. Human Man wants no part in your Jackie Robinson film, because what can a motion picture offer that isn't covered entirely by The Worldwide Leader in Sports? I constantly use the same justification to avoid certain movies. I didn't see Jurassic Park because I have read all sorts of dinosaur books since I was a kid. People always ask me why I haven't seen the movie Titanic. Um...I used to play with boats in the bath tub, I think I know what a sinking ship looks like. In fact, I was weary to see Django, considering I had already read the wikipedia article on slavery several times.

And it's not like this man has just done a little bit of research, he has read "all the ESPN articles." He has a google alert for all things Jackie Robinson. His home page is the first page of results on Ask Jeeves for "Jeeves, has ESPN written anything about Jackie Robinson today?" Are you listening, Hollywood? The Jackie Robinson well is dry, try something new (preferably something with a monkey)!

Eventually, the sound was restored, and the rest of the movie went off without a hitch. As for the movie itself, my biggest fears were realized. Here's a shocker: the guy that was a slave was free by the end of the movie! Get a grip, filmmakers. If you want to make the next moneymaker like Grown Ups, come to Valley Plaza 6: home of the three dollar movie and the pulse of America!

Reggie Bush Champagne

YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN! YOU GET A 20+ YARD RUN!

Seriously, this is pretty big. Now go to Delmas' doorstep and beg forgiveness.

Media Guide to Interviewing a Hockey Player

Why hello, fellow sports media-ite. How are you doing? That Te'o stuff was pretty crazy, right? And Armstrong? Don't even get me started, or else you'll have 3000 words on your desk by sunrise!

But now that all that is done and the NFL is drawing to a conclusion, we're all going to have to confront the scary elephant in the room: the return of the NHL. Now I know most of you aren't too familiar with hockey and are even a bit intimidated by the mystical being, but, fear not, for I am here to help aid you through this difficult time.

Chances are most of you will not have to worry about this silly league. You may have to post a box score here and there (people still do that, right?). You may even have to attend a game and comment on how cold it was! If you're one of the lucky ones, you'll only have to mention the NHL in passing (if this is the case, may I suggest a never-not-hilarious line like "I didn't even KNOW the NHL was back!"). But, God forbid, the hockey team in your region may have a good season. If this is the case, you could very well be one of the unfortunate souls that have to cover this "sport." (see what I did there *winky face*, oh I could just type a winky face. Actually, I like this better. This must be what they mean by "alternative" comedy.) The unluckiest of them all will have to...interview a player.

Now, I know many of you believe hockey players are a strange, crooked-faced beings (and a lot of them are, LOL!), but I'm here to provide a course to interviewing the shadowy figure that is an NHL player.

Tip one: Lead with your knowledge of the game. 

Obviously this is tough, since no one outside of Canada knows anything about hockey, but there is hope. There are the three universal things that everyone knows about hockey: hockey players are tough, hockey players are unusually nice (it's creepy, if you ask me!), and other people say hockey is much more exciting in person (I'm skeptical. I've never been to a game, but if I can't see the puck on TV, how am I going to see it in person?).

Leading with knowledge of the game will tame the foreign beast. He will accept you as one of his own and maybe even invite you to a game (IMPORTANT: come with an excuse already in mind). Failure to display proper knowledge of the game may result in angering the Poutine-eating mongrel and will almost always result in violence.

Suggested questions: Why are hockey players so nice? Why are hockey players so tough? (follow up: how many teeth have you lost? - both hilarious and informative!) What makes hockey so exciting in person?*

*This question is particularly ingenious. While it seems like you're complimenting the sport -- therefore appeasing the "abominable snow man" (trademarked, don't use it) -- you're actually allowing your true condescension of the sport leak through the suggestion that hockey is so boring on TV! But don't worry, the hoser won't notice!

Tip two: Be overly nice.

As mentioned before, angering a hockey player can quickly turn into a violent crime scene. To avoid this, make sure you are overly complimentary about everything: his clothes, his speech, his youth, and even (and I know this is going to be tough for some of you) his sport. He doesn't need to know about the sarcastic, scathing article you wrote on the irrelevancy of the hockey lockout three weeks ago (great job, by the way!). If he's foreign (almost a certainty), make sure you compliment his accent. If he's American (yeah right!), make sure you make a comment on his slight Canadian accent (ALWAYS FUNNY!).

Suggested questions: (if foreign) How did you learn English so quickly? (if American) What's your accent all a-boot? (again, the hockey player will not be able to detect your clever, xenophobic remark)

Tip three: Lie through your teeth.

Even if you know more about hockey than the average Joe, your knowledge will only get you so far. So much about hockey is unknown to literally EVERY single person with an American birth certificate. Soon, you'll run out of questions and realize you've only been interviewing for two minutes.

Eventually, you'll be a little flustered, but don't worry, the lies will just naturally flow out of you! Pretend you've been on the hockey bandwagon since the beginning. Tell them how excited their playoff run is making you and the entire city! Who cares? We don't believe Canada has developed technology to access any articles you've written in the past, so don't worry if you've written anything particularly disparaging lately.

Suggested questions/comments: I've been trying to bring hockey to *city* since I moved here, but why aren't others grasping the excitement that is hockey? I really think the *insert hockey team name* are going to be the new *insert NFL team* in this city! (try REALLY hard not to laugh)

Tip four: Get information!

You've been given the rare opportunity to cover hockey, may as well try and learn something about the mysterious game. You can guarantee your audience knows almost nothing about the game, so no question is stupid. That being said, try and figure out some of the true mysteries of the game. Really dig deep and try to ask questions that get at the true intricacies of the game.

Suggested questions: What IS icing? Is it hard to jump over the boards during a change? I can barely stand up on ice skates, how do you even move in those things? Does it get lonely in the penalty box?

I know this is a tough time for sports writers. We tried to time the Te'o thing perfectly to make the NHL's return as irrelevant as possible, but, in the end, hockey still technically exists and that's an unfortunate reality we all have to face. Hopefully this guide will help you write the one, page-nine article you may have to write this season. Even if it doesn't, I'm sure no one will notice. It's a good thing they had a shortened season this year, am I right? Anyway, keep your head up, we're only a couple months away from a real sporting event: the NFL combine!

Three Days Late "Live" Blog: Lions at Cardinals

This will be my first time viewing the game via the TV feed, as I was regrettably at the game. So expect more shock and awe about the horrible announcing. If some things were already discussed to death on twitter or other social media, I apologize. I did not contribute in any of those things during the game because I lacked the capabilities at the time.

First Quarter:

14:55 - Cardinals connect deep on the first play of the game. Both teams sending a message early. Cardinals: we're not afraid of your banged-up secondary. Lions: we're not capable of stopping anyone.

14:23 - Stephen Tulloch blitzes on the next play and runs right past Beanie Wells, without getting a hand on him. He must at least slow him down.

12:20 - Lions bringing heat early, but lack the tight coverage to prevent the easy, quick throws.

10:51 - Jacob Lacey makes a nice play and promptly has a Cardinal lineman fall on the back of his leg, dislocating his knee cap. Wasn't intentionally dirty, but when a defender has the ball-carrier wrapped up, should another player really be allowed to try and separate him from the offender?

9:11 - Patrick Peterson is good.

8:51 - Wow. Great read by DeAndre Levy. He was pretty far away from that play when Ryan Lindley wound up to pass, but Levy made up a lot of ground and got there just in time to get the interception.

8:45 - Leshoure's hesitation costing him yards in the backfield.

7:48 - Without Broyles, Pettigrew, Burleson and Titus, this passing offense is officially neutered.

6:20 - Good recognition by Jonte Green to force that toss sweep back inside.

6:00 - One thing you may not have noticed via TV: their punter is crazy-good. Every punt went 50+ yards in the air and was a perfect spiral. Watching Nick Harris punt on the same field was embarrassing. Harris didn't kick a spiral all day.

4:44 - Cardinals putting coverage on Calvin Johnson that I've never seen before. Double coverage in the slot, and Stafford lays a nice ball to him. Unfortunately, the Cardinals secondary is very good, and they get a hand on the ball.

3:49 - Suh is essentially triple-teamed.

The running back was planning on blocking a blitzing linebacker, but none came. Suh is taken out of the play and Lindley is able to scramble for 9 yards in his absence.

2:08 - Good adjustment by Mike Thomas on the end-around. The defensive end read the play well, so Thomas cut it inside and picked up the first.

Second Quarter:

15:00 - We begin the second quarter with talk of the tragedy in Connecticut. Cue the random shot of a fan holding a sign saying, "We miss hockey." Um...okay.

14:54 - Absolutely brilliant play call on third and 9. With Calvin in the slot to the left, he runs a slant over the middle of the field, drawing nearly every defender that way (one defender also happened to be thankfully blitzing). Kevin Smith sneaks out of the backfield and runs to all the empty field left by Calvin's void.

13:43 - Calvin playing decoy again on this third down to perfection.

As Stafford cocks his arm back, the two defenders close in on Calvin, cutting over the middle. Meanwhile, Heller is headed in the opposite direction and has an easy first down.

12:51 - Excellent drive. Lions used Calvin perfectly as a decoy on third downs, while also getting him his touches on other downs. Perfect mixture.

10:21 - FOX cares so little about this game. There's almost no replays of anything, except for blown snaps, which we all saw perfectly the first time around.

9:29 - No words. Okay, maybe a few words. Firstly, I'm not sure how the ruling on the field can change AFTER the referee's huddle with each other, but BEFORE you go and review the play. Secondly, fuck our special teams. I don't like dropping f-bombs in my writing, but fuck our special teams.

9:18 - Once again, the refs can't get their shit together. One ref CLEARLY called the play a fumble and was giving the ball to the Lions (can't really see this on TV, but I absolutely saw it with my own eyes). Then the refs confer, change their mind for some reason, and replay isn't enough to change it either way. Pardon the cursing, but the anger is setting in already.

7:18 - Lions getting the running game going with a couple of big cutback lanes. Credit to Leshoure for finding and exploiting those holes.

7:06 - Oh, Gosder. He obviously holds a guy and immediately looks behind him, expecting to see the flag. Surprise! It's there!

6:35 - Stafford yapping at the ref after this play. Why? Well, don't expect any sort of replay from FOX to provide any clarity. Luckily, I'm here with the coaches film:

Heller's route gets impeded and any separation he has here is completely lost.

4:10 - If you're ever wondering why teams run the ball when backed up in their own zone, this is exactly why. You cannot afford to turn it over deep in your own zone. At this point, the Lions running game was working perfectly, and although the two false starts forced the Lions even further back, the Lions needed to run the ball here. Instead, Stafford forced a ball to Calvin and handed the Cardinals seven points. There was a clear miscommunication between Stafford and Calvin, as Stafford threw outside and Calvin cut inside (partially due to an obvious hold by Peterson). But it was a bad play call to begin with.

3:16 - It's sad to me how little faith the Lions have in their kick returners. They won't even let him run out a kick one-yard deep in the endzone. If that's the case, why bother sporting a guy back there?

1:50 - If I'm not mistaken (I'm not, I checked), this was the first catch by a wide receiver not named Calvin Johnson. AFTER the two-minute warning. Not. Good.

--

Here are the two plays right before Stafford's first pick-six of the day. Stafford with a perfect pass to Scheffler for a would-be first down on Arizona's side of the field. Dropped. False start by Cherilus to force a third-and-15. Teammates not helping him out.

--

0:41 - Granted third and 15 is a tough down to convert, there is no reason to throw the ball there (obviously). Don't know if Stafford just didn't see the safety waiting for him or if he thought he could barrel it in there before he broke on it, but either way, it was too close of a call to pull the trigger. Absolutely killer way to end the half.

Third Quarter:

13:40 - Why, Leshoure, why?

It's third and 1, and if Leshoure hits the hole with no hesitation, it's an easy first down. Instead, he hesitates and cuts it outside. The back-side defensive end easily catches him behind the line of scrimmage. This is becoming a weekly problem.

9:45 - Don Carey is PUMPED about letting the Cardinals into field goal position!

8:10 - Just an outstanding play by Calvin on third down.

7:48 - Leshoure almost breaks a huge run. Again he struggles to find the hole initially, but eventually makes the right read. But if he finds that hole immediately and hits it...you finish that sentence.

3:12 - God awful pass interference call. Maybe the worst I've ever seen. I'm honestly a little surprised you can't hear me on the TV feed. One of the few times I've yelled in a profanity-laced fashion at a sporting event.

1:14 - Ha ha. Cardinals punting on the Lions' 36 yard line on a fourth and 2. Stupid, stupid decision, even with the Lions' inept special teams.

Fourth Quarter:

14:21 - One of the few times Suh isn't double teamed and he sacks Lindley immediately. Go figure.

13:07 - Andre Fluellen reads the screen, but is nearly dragged down with a hold. Still, he's able to disrupt the play enough to let someone else clean up the play.

12:29 - Scheffler wins my love and then tears my heart out. Can't blame Stafford for the throw, as he's under immense pressure. He put the ball where Scheffler should have caught it, and even though he had to turn himself around, it went right through his hands. I want to dig a hole and cry myself to sleep in it until someone fills the hole with cement.

11:30 - Stafford getting a concussion test on the sideline. Do we get to see what happened or maybe what play it may have occurred on? Of course not, this is FOX.

10:00 - That is the reason I have a Delmas jersey. Dude is a beast in run coverage. Huge defensive play.

9:29 - "Lions need a play out of their special teams or defense..." how about ONE from their offense?

6:50 - Third and 1 from the three-yard line. I don't want to watch the rest of this game.

6:09 - Delay of game completely unacceptable here. And as the referee says, that's on number nine.

5:24 - I've watched this play the maximum amount of times before I start ripping my own hair out, eating it, then trying to sell my hairy excrement on ebay for Rogaine money. And I still can't figure out what Stafford was doing here. He could've thrown a fade to Durham or he could've thrown the out to Scheffler. Instead he threw a hybrid of those passes right to a Cardinal. Scheffler would've scored if he hit him, and God knows what Durham would've done. Probably something in between bobbling it horribly only for it to get pick-sixed anyway and making a one-handed between the legs catch while doing a backflip.

That's your ballgame. Since I'm with my family and the anger is rising, I'm going to stop things there. Have a good week folks.

#TeamSchwartz

When It Stops, Nobody Knows

My posse and I at the Cardinals game. I'm the handsome one.

This week I return to Ford Field for the first time in four years. The last time I took that stroll down Adams street, the Lions lost their 12th straight game to the Vikings. I remember the cold walk to the car. Ass-to-elbow with my fellow fans. Everyone yelling obscenities and calling for anybody's head. There was chaos, there was anarchy, it was Armageddon and we were walking down the steps of hell to our eventual damnation.

Those were the easy days.

If you're a frequent reader, you know that I'm not the banner-waving type. Rarely do I raise my voice during games. I deal with my frustrations by growing intensely silent and blocking out everything around me. So when walls of Ford Field were crumbling in 2008, I kept my head down, kept walking and let the city devour itself as I attempted to comprehend what was going on in the depths of my inner madness.

It's been awhile since I've felt that way. Even though this season has been wildly turbulent, including heart-devouring losses on a near-weekly basis, I never felt the sort of empty, hopelessness of 2008.

But as I walked away from University of Phoenix Stadium, bathed in gold from the setting sun, all those familiar feelings bowled over me like towering waves. After losing to a team on a nine-game skid, the Lions were once again the joke of the league, and I was wearing the jester's uniform.

After all the tough calls, bad breaks, and unlikely plays, I figured we had taken all the punishment we could physically withstand. The Lions season, after all, was by all means "over." There were no real stakes, and no rewards to be won. The winner of this game gets to be 5-9 with no chance of any real accomplishments. But this team still finds ways to have the ground fall out from beneath us. With the seat under Jim Schwartz warming at an exponential rate, I needed the Lions to not only beat the Cardinals (whose lack of talent is alarmingly obvious) I needed them to destroy them. I needed faith to be restored in the hearts of Lions fans. But I also needed it to restore my OWN faith, my own sanity, which has been despite the mounting losses had remained impressively intact. Instead, I got a first row seat* to...whatever the hell that was.

Surviving an 0-16 season is easy. Aside from the occasional assholes, you get all the sympathy from outsiders. The fan-base isn't broken and cannibalistic. Everyone bonds together knowing that we've collectively hit rock bottom and that change and brighter days were ahead.

But when you have the added weight of expectations, the highs are higher and the lows are lower. Each win feels huge and meaningful, while each defeat feels like a season-ender. Small successes bring delusions of grandeur and invincibility, while losses send strong-willed men into the depths of insanity. And when your expectations are inevitably unfulfilled, no one bats an eye of sympathy. You're just one of tens of casualties to the tumultuous NFL.

But the most maddening aspect of a team with expectations is the unknown. When you're the worst team in the league, that's an easy thing to grasp. It's an absolute. it's irrefutable, undeniable. It's something terrible, but its something real, and true. It's something we can grasp and physically claim as ours.

But when you're 4-10, fresh off a 10-6 season, you know nothing. What is the teams' true talent level? What record SHOULD they be? Who is to blame? How are we going to be next year? I thought I knew most of these answers four months ago, but now I am lost, quietly walking another fiery road of defeat as the world screams in panic and agony. Does the path lead to another pit of despair? Is it just a detour of our journey to peace, love and glory? I have no answers, and that feels so much worse than anything.

As Matthew Stafford hopelessly tried to lead the Lions to one last, meaningless score, my posse stood in stunned silence. As waves of red and blue passed us, almost assuredly looking for some sort of reaction, we kept our gaze forward. Wanting to scream, but being unable to break through the overwhelming sense of defeat and depression, we just looked ahead, hoping we had finally seen the bottom of the pit. 

We may have finally reached the final ring of hell, but who's to say the floor we currently stand on won't give out next week or even next year? But maybe this is just what being a Lions fan is: surviving the falls, pulling ourselves back to our feet only to plunge further and deeper. I just don't know anymore.